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What follows is my personal weblog, in which I discuss painting, family, office politics, falling in love, falling out of love, family dynamics, long lost friends, dreams and everything else I know nothing about. |
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one more [15:31] me: the past sometimes feels so heavy to me. [15:50] e: the past doesn't go anywhere. [15:51] me: no. it doesn't, does it? [15:53] e: you may think it does, and you're walking along blithely one day thinking that you're free and light--crystal light, in fact, just sipping over-sweetened lemonade from the giant trough of the future--but then the past comes barreling up from the sewers, all grotesque from the years of suppression and beslimed with history, and it grabs your ass in its jabberwock teeth and turns you into a frumous bandersnatch before you can twiddle your thumbs. posted Monday, December 4 3:54 PM
so, i think that's it, then and, despite the killer schedule lined up for november -- from portland art show to iowa pig farm to boston programming conference -- i am feeling at the moment stronger, calmer and more content than i ever have been in my life. if you are reading this, then you know that i haven't written here in a long time. a few friends have wondered aloud in my presence if i would *ever* write here again. i wondered silently the same thing. in the end, though, i've decided that this blog has run it's course in my life. i've loved writing here, loved the conversations it opened and the way it changed my thinking about being open, about being transparent and real...but whatever creative fire brought me to spark this conversation with myself and those who've read my entries, it's moved on to something else and so will i. thanks for hanging with me this long. and i believe that this story is not yet ended. posted Monday, November 6 10:50 AM
the deed is done! (well, almost)    posted Friday, July 28 2:18 PM
more something about nothing last night, over beer and bratwurst with some friends of ours, i was in a liberated mood: e and i have an offer (now accepted - oh my god) on a little house, we recently drank too many margaritas with a friend who built his own studio space in the back of his house and seemed to think that it would be possible for me as well, and my astrologer tells me that in two years pluto will swing me into some sort of necessary and uplifting orbit. it's certainly not what i expected -- and definitely not what my family expected -- but there it is nonetheless. who knows why? posted Monday, July 3 12:45 PM
Res ipsa loquitur, sed quid in infernos dicet?* my brother greg is a storyteller -- spent some time on the portland circuit here at libraries and cultural events. once, in my inimitable little-sister way, i mocked the importance of stories -- it's kid stuff, it's silly, it's distraction and fakery. he responded as if he'd been waiting for me to make this exact challenge (greg never backs away from a good debate) once i saw this boy out playing in his backyard with a baseball bat and a ball, he said. he was tossing the ball in the air, swinging at it as he talked to himself in that sports announcer voice "this batter has the most homeruns of this season! folks, you are about to see something spectacular! this batter never misses!" he tosses it up once, swings and misses the ball completely: "he always lets the first pitch go by, folks!!" a second toss and a second miss: "this batter is a real showman! he's waiting for his pitch!" a third toss and a third miss. the batter is clearly out, right? you can't change the rules of the game. this kid's a loser in his own story...so, he says: "Wow! What a pitcher!" Silly, yeah. But I think about this silly little story my brother told me a lot. How do we know how to understand ourselves? How do we change our story when something bad happens? When you are in over your head? When you are the powerless victim? When you are the cruel perpetrator? e and i are going to the Portland Housing Center Home Buying 101 class tomorrow (brief plea to the gods- oh please i hope my ex is not there) to dive into the home buying process. i'm not sure exactly what story is unfolding here, or how to understand much of it -- but however it goes, I think the word "home" has a lovely ring to it, no? * The thing speaks for itself, but what the hell is it saying? posted Friday, June 23 4:44 PM
spelling mistakes words are the most clever magic we humans possess: they mediate our relationships transparently, subversively. we speak ourselves into existence, write ourselves a world, read into our ourselves obsessively — mirror, mirror on the wall. and now we can write ourselves and each other from an even safer distance: the web. it seems to me — and i could be wrong, of course — that sometimes the words weave white magic: authentic, compassionate, healing connection. truth gifts clarity. sometimes, it's black magic: contemptuous, angry, bitter voodoo pins stabbed into ragdolls. "youwhiningloseryoudisgustme" reflects back an idea that can be quite satisfying: entire relationships are built on this pleasurable magical power. lately, because of a book i read of full of words about words, i've been catching glimpses of the card up the sleeve, the palmed coin, the scarf in the pocket. every time, i stumble and stop — frozen for a moment in sensing the world around me without mediation, without words to show me what it means. it's absurd how many blind spots there are: i've never felt so small. it's been hard to write here, too: almost two months since i've posted. there is so much...still...always...but i see the words acting with their own agency now. they mean their own meaning, running wild, telling their own stories without my consent. they flatter me into believing, then turn around and mock me for my belief. a friend at work here, who crowds words around himself like money, told me today i might consider writing fiction. i should have said: i already do. posted Thursday, June 8 6:31 PM
delbert this morning delbert delivered a huge load of horseshit to our place for using in the yard. apparently this stuff is miraculous -- it fertilizes and protects the soil and is a slug-repellant, too. it's a beautiful thing...
posted Wednesday, April 12 10:59 AM |
