What follows is my personal weblog, in which I discuss painting, family, office politics, falling in love, falling out of love, family dynamics, long lost friends, dreams and everything else I know nothing about.

more something about nothing

last night, over beer and bratwurst with some friends of ours, i was in a liberated mood: e and i have an offer (now accepted - oh my god) on a little house, we recently drank too many margaritas with a friend who built his own studio space in the back of his house and seemed to think that it would be possible for me as well, and my astrologer tells me that in two years pluto will swing me into some sort of necessary and uplifting orbit.

so, things are looking up in a sort of new-age oregon kind of way. the whole house-buying process has been very clarifying and the idea of home is moving from a thick, foggy "over-there-for-other-people" kind of fantasy to a more defined, cozy "right-here-in-this-place" reality. as a military brat, the concept of home existed as a complicated, layered and (let's face it) neurotic pit in an oft-avoided area in the back of my mind. an innocent question at a cocktail party -- "so where are you from?" -- would send me lurching into my overly apologetic or defiant conversational defensive posture.

i still don't say i am from oregon -- because i am clearly not -- but after having lived here near seven years and easily surpassing my longevity record by double, i am starting to settle into the idea of settling in. and, after all, once i sign the mortgage papers i am functionally announcing to my internal committee that i plan to be here another five years, minumum. the math is mind-boggling to a brat like me: 7 + 5 = 12 years. 12 years! in one city! i have the urge to look in a mirror and see if it's really my own face looking back out at me.

still, this is the thing i said to e that we both knew was a milestone: i know what the path away looks like and i'm not interested in "away" anymore. i've been moving away from things my whole life -- cities, friends, commitments, promises, problems -- so i know that road intimately. i know exactly where it ends. for better or worse, i've been a slippery catch all my life, slipping off hooks and entanglements without a backward glance. there's good to that, and plenty bad, too (just ask k)...but it's the road i know first, and best, and it would be a very familiar feeling to slip away again.

but familiar is not necessarily a wise guide as any child of alcoholic or abusive parents will tell you. just because you know a thing doesn't mean it's right. and, in any case, my gut tells me it's time to be right here and to dig in hard. i am so in love and feel our path pull us together so strongly, it wakes me up in the morning smiling.

it's certainly not what i expected -- and definitely not what my family expected -- but there it is nonetheless. who knows why?

posted Monday, July 3 12:45 PM