What follows is my personal weblog, in which I discuss painting, family, office politics, falling in love, falling out of love, family dynamics, long lost friends, dreams and everything else I know nothing about.

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words are the most clever magic we humans possess: they mediate our relationships transparently, subversively. we speak ourselves into existence, write ourselves a world, read into our ourselves obsessively — mirror, mirror on the wall. and now we can write ourselves and each other from an even safer distance: the web.

it seems to me — and i could be wrong, of course — that sometimes the words weave white magic: authentic, compassionate, healing connection. truth gifts clarity.

sometimes, it's black magic: contemptuous, angry, bitter voodoo pins stabbed into ragdolls. "youwhiningloseryoudisgustme" reflects back an idea that can be quite satisfying: entire relationships are built on this pleasurable magical power.

lately, because of a book i read of full of words about words, i've been catching glimpses of the card up the sleeve, the palmed coin, the scarf in the pocket. every time, i stumble and stop — frozen for a moment in sensing the world around me without mediation, without words to show me what it means. it's absurd how many blind spots there are: i've never felt so small.

it's been hard to write here, too: almost two months since i've posted. there is so much...still...always...but i see the words acting with their own agency now. they mean their own meaning, running wild, telling their own stories without my consent. they flatter me into believing, then turn around and mock me for my belief.

a friend at work here, who crowds words around himself like money, told me today i might consider writing fiction. i should have said: i already do.

posted Thursday, June 8 6:31 PM